To the future AP mama...

     I remember what I thought about parenting before I had my kids, all the things I'd never do, all the mistakes I'd never make. And then I had Ethan. Sixteen months later I had Evan. If I made a list of all the things I did differently than I thought, well, I'd be making that list for a very long time. For example, I was NEVER going to bribe with food. Well, potty training a little boy, M & M's, yep, I did that. So yeah, I'd be making that list for ages. As in, for the rest of my life. But there were a couple of things that were non-negotiable, I didn't want to let my kiddos cry themselves to sleep. I've done it before as an adult, it sucks when we are big, cannot imagine how horrid it would be as a tiny person. A tiny person left alone in the dark by the people they trust to feed them and care for them? I just don't think that is okay. And hitting, another deal breaker, I have just never understood. People like to use words like "spank" and "swat" to disguise it and make it not sound so mean. But come on, the definition of hitting is "To come into contact with forcefully", soooo, yeah. I knew I wanted to breastfeed my little ones, there is just nothing that can replace that type of nourishment and that bond. Nothing.  At the time I didn't even know that "attachment parenting" was a thing. I didn't know that I shared those ideals. And so many of the people I knew we bottle feeders, spankers, ferberizers, it was scary. But my mom and my husband were in my corner, their support got me through the tough days, the days I wanted to scream, days I wanted to run away and join the circus. Without a support system, it can be tough! Parenting is hard in general, you second guess, you wonder if you're doing it right, but without support, it's hard to follow your heart.
     As for the new mamas who want to try the AP thing, follow your heart, let your tiny amazing human guide you, because it will be SO worth it. Just today, our older boys came home with report cards, earlier this week we'd had their parent teacher conferences. Not only did they get straight A's, but their teachers told us how kind they were, how willing to help others, how compassionate. It makes my heart swell. It makes me feel like I'm doing it RIGHT. Are they perfect? No. Am I? No. But they are given the best of me there is, and that is all I have to give. No mama will ever make all the right choices, so don't get caught up counting your wrongs. As with your kids, be kind to yourself, forgive, promote confidence, and be kind. And never compare yourself to other mamas! Decide what your dealbreakers are and don't get wound up in all the rest. And remember that perfection is not an option, so be prepared for tweaks to your gameplan! So do your best and gentle parent on!

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Just stop it!!!

     So I was doing a little mindless Facebook time earlier. Some of the pages I subscribe to aren't gentle or AP pages, they're more generic parenting. Sometimes I have to call myself down from being judgy or commenting from a snotty place. I am admittedly opinionated, and I have become very set in my ways, and well, I'm a massive micromanager. But I have to remember, these people aren't perfect, an I'm not even close. Do I think I'm a better parent than I was 8 years ago? You bet. But perfect? Haaaahahaha. ha. haaa. I remember having all these parental ideals before our first son was born. I would never bribe a kid to do anything. Unnnnntil Ethan started potty training. M & M's, yeah, I did that. That was the first of many, the bottom line is, things change, and I can't feel bad about the changes. I have to embrace them and use everything as a learning experience. I realized the other day that in addition to being a lactivist, I've becoming quite an intactivist. Over the last year I have read and learned so much about how needless it is to circumcise. It's basically just the culture in the US, rather than a need based procedure. That being said, want to know why that is odd? I have 3 circumsized sons. Yep, all 3 of them. I wish I had know more back then. And though it sucks, I can't change it! Not a thing in the world I can do but learn from it. At first I was angry with myself. And then I was embarassed when other intactivists would ask. But the heart of the matter is that, as parents, there are a million things we would go back and change. Things we would tweak, things that make us wonder if we had gone temporarily insane. Want to know how many times I've looked back and thought "What the hell????". Well, how much time do you have, because it's this is going to take awhile and I won't bore you with it. What I'm saying is this, I am human. I have made bad parenting choices and I am going to make more! But I am not defined by my past choices. Did you formula feed before but want to go breast next time? Were you a prior spanker and now you want to go the AP route? Hold your head high and do what you think is best. It doesn't matter what you did before, it doesn't define you. Do what you think is right for TODAY and follow your heart! When you start beating yourself up over what you used to do, well, just stop it! You can't change yesterday, but you sure can fix tomorrow.  I have to say, the more I have tweaked my parenting by following my heart, the more my sons have flourished. Help your little ones flourish!

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Was that a real question?

     "So you don't bust your kids, and they don't have, like, rules and stuff?" Ummm, no I don't, and actually, yes, they do. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. Different wording, same question. For some people the fact that we don't spank and the words attachment parenting create an image that I only wear burkinstocks, don't shave my armpits, and my husband has a waist length braid. The facts are, I don't own any birks (anymore), though I am occasionally lazy about shaving my legs, I am almost always tank top acceptable. And the braid thing, here's the shocker, my husband is a U.S. Marine, so he rocks a high & tight. And no, we don't spank, but yes, our kids have rules. The biggest question that follows is why, why don't you spank? I love this question. It doesn't offend me, I actually like being able to explain it! Here's how it shakes out.

     For starters, we don't spank because our kids are humans too. If I hit my husband every time he forgot to take out the garbage or got sassy with me, well, I'd be in prison. If that's not how we handle each other that's not how we handle the kids. Another thing is that I just never understood the logistics. I read once that to spank "properly", you should not hit out of anger, but when you're calm. Well, I don't hit them when I'm mad, because I think that hitting out of anger in any form is abuse. And I could never go and calmly hit a child, so that pretty much removes any form of hitting from our discipline repertoire. 

So what DO we do? Well, I am a huge fan of proactive parenting. We were having a hard time with my very spirited middle man, Evan, in the mornings. Yikes. He wakes up like his father. There were mornings we were both near tears when we left for school. I got tired of it fast, he did too, something wasn't working right. And I realized it, the boy doesn't need a nag, he needs incentive! Why do regular people get up and go to work? Because they get paid! And no, I don't pay the boy! But I do provide incentive, 1 sticker for getting up and dressed without complaint/pleading/whining. 10 stickers = a prize from the bucket. All prizes are little items from the dollar section, football cards, etc. It doesn't matter what the prizes are, it's the fact that he can SEE his progress, the stickers are tangible tokens of him doing the right thing. If you think about it, it is actually preparing them for adulthood. Adults work to get paid, we go to school to get a degree, there is a payoff, so why then, do we call it bribery when we apply the same rules to our kids?  Does our method always work? NOPE. Like anything else, it's not foolproof. Sometimes we have to take away screen time. Sometimes the older boys need to be separated and aren't allowed to play together because they can't get along. They aren't perfect, and neither are we!!!  But there is no place for physical punishments here. I want my children to respect me, not because they have been bullied into doing so. We don't want to raise bullies, I want to raise kids who reciprocate respect.

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