What's good for baby IS good for mama!!

Look up gentle parenting, you can find an endless wealth of wonderful information about the amazing benefits for the children. They're smart, kind, bright, secure, loving, independent, generous. The list goes on, there is no doubt that children raised consciously and gently are extremely well rounded on many different levels. But what about us? How do parents fare when parenting with purpose? Well, for lack of a better way to phrase it, we are freaking AMAZING. Seriously. I'll start here, I am NOT perfect, nowhere even in the ballpark. But when we started our parenting journey 8 years ago, we had a plan, breastfeeding, no spanking, no sleep training, that was about it. I didn't know there was a title for it, that was mostly how I was raised, so that was important to me. Then we had Evan 16.5 months later, yep, I had my days. By the time they were both toddlers, I had LOTS of "those" days. There were times I wanted to yell, there were times I did. There were even times (many of them) I was so frustrated that I thought to myself, "IF I were a spanker, THIS would be that time". But I didn't. I was forced to find another way. I was forced to think outside the box. Whether is was whispering just so they would have to calm down and listen to hear or taking a mommy time out, I had to find a better way, a way that didn't harm. The inside of your head is a scary place, but when you have to think instead of resorting to a primal anger and lashing out, you're forced to grow by thinking of new ways! Spanking is the equivalent of an angry toddler lashing out because they don't have the words to express the frustration they feel. So when we fight the urge to hit, its our brain saying "use your words!!" and you invent new ways to cope, new ways to understand and communicate. It makes us more patient with our kids, our spouses, our annoying coworkers, or the jackhole behind us in traffic. Am I saying it makes us better than other parents? Obviously not, what I'm saying is that it FORCES us to grow. Nor am I saying that those who do not practice or were not raised by gentle parenting are a failure. I'm saying that for me, I'm more patient, kinder, more tolerant, yet I STILL have my moments and always will, we all will, being human is a challenge! But when we parent with our hearts and with purpose rather than reactions and lashing out, we grow more conscientious children. And those children grow enlightened parents.

New rant...err...post?

     Okay, I remembered today why I never read the comments portion of articles. I read the one about Mayim Bialik and her divorce. I try not to read celeb fodder, but I'd seen her talking about AP on a show awhile back. Yep, I remember her from Blossom, and more recently she made news by publicizing her book about her version of attachment parenting. She cosleeps, doesn't spank, breastfeeds, baby wears, and also does elimination communication. Of course the cause of her divorce is all of this crazy parenting, husband can't handle it, they never get to have naughty time, blah, blah, blah, eye roll, vomit. The comments were endless, obviously all the commenters were marriage counselors, child development specialists, and the like. Or not. After I was finished with my tirade of angry blows at uneducated opinions and the people behind them, and a random rant to my unsuspecting husband, I figured out what I was angry about. And you know, it's the same thing that made me furious during the elections. Labels. They were attacking the label "attachment parent" without even knowing what it meant, very obviously not knowing what it meant. Very clearly not understanding that AP does not mean exactly the same for all of us and that we all adapt it to what works for us. For our family, breastfeeding and cosleeping is a necessity! We have older boys and I need a rested mama and baby to keep things running. I hate yelling, both the sound and the general feeling when a person is that angry, so we try not to do that. I am trying to understand how that is weird. In my book, it's called loving your kids, I don't have to label it with a certain philosophy or method. Love your kids. Do the best by your kids. If it feels wrong, don't do it. And really, let's stop with labels. Boy things, girl things, AP's, black, gay, gahhhh, make it stop. Let's just call it what it is, we love our kids, we choose not to hurt them, we choose to feed them in the most natural way possible (when and where they need to eat), we let them sleep near us to feel secure, we feed them in the night when they are hungry, we respond to their cries/needs/concerns. But guess what else, I tend to my needs too, I take a time out for myself when I feel like I am about the lose my $hit, I also go to nursing school because I have personal goals as well.  I even invest time in my marriage because it's important for me (and the hubs to) to feel loved and cared for. So yes, it's possible to be a balanced human and live by attachment parenting principles. In the end, we will still be labeled, and judged, and really who cares, it reminds me not to judge, to be tolerant, and gentle parent on...because the haters clearly weren't breastfed anyway, ZING!

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I'm doing it right...and so are you!!!

So the older boys got their report cards last week and I met with their teachers for conferences. I was extremely pleased to see that they'd made straight A's!!! But even more than that, I was proud of what their teachers said about them. They used words like kind, helpful, and compassionate. They offer to help other kiddos who need assistance reading or doing their work, they ask their teachers if they can help with classroom duties when they finish their work early. I'm sure that now you're ready for me to shut my bragging mouth. My intent isn't to brag, the thing is, I'm just so happy to be doing it right!!! As the sleep deprived, inexperienced mother of a 6 month old, I remember thinking "am I doing this right?". As the smells like barf, hasn't showed in 3 days mother of an 8 week old and and 18 month old, I remember thinking "is this what I am SUPPOSED to be doing??". Kids don't come with manuals, when Ethan was tiny, I wondered if I was making him too soft for a mean world. When I responded to every whim of Evan's because he was my preemie, I wondered if he would be too spoiled. It's hard when they are small and you're new to the mommy world! But now that they are older, I'm starting to understand, even if I didn't do it all right, even if I made a million mistakes, even if I did a lot alone because my hubs is a Marine, even if I raised my voice sometimes, even if I let them eat cookies when I shouldn't, that was the best I had to give at that very moment. And it was good enough! Now that the 2 big guys are older and interacting with more people, I'm getting daily feedback by way of their interactions with others and the fact that they are loving, giving, confident little humans. So what you're doing right now, loving your little ones, wearing them, nursing them, responding to their needs, following your heart, you're doing it. Perfectly!!! Not everyday will be rainbows and sunshine, some days your main goal will be to take a 3 minute shower and keep everyone alive, and that's okay. It's hard work to raise humans in a weird world. But follow your heart and your kiddos will be your feedback!



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To the future AP mama...

     I remember what I thought about parenting before I had my kids, all the things I'd never do, all the mistakes I'd never make. And then I had Ethan. Sixteen months later I had Evan. If I made a list of all the things I did differently than I thought, well, I'd be making that list for a very long time. For example, I was NEVER going to bribe with food. Well, potty training a little boy, M & M's, yep, I did that. So yeah, I'd be making that list for ages. As in, for the rest of my life. But there were a couple of things that were non-negotiable, I didn't want to let my kiddos cry themselves to sleep. I've done it before as an adult, it sucks when we are big, cannot imagine how horrid it would be as a tiny person. A tiny person left alone in the dark by the people they trust to feed them and care for them? I just don't think that is okay. And hitting, another deal breaker, I have just never understood. People like to use words like "spank" and "swat" to disguise it and make it not sound so mean. But come on, the definition of hitting is "To come into contact with forcefully", soooo, yeah. I knew I wanted to breastfeed my little ones, there is just nothing that can replace that type of nourishment and that bond. Nothing.  At the time I didn't even know that "attachment parenting" was a thing. I didn't know that I shared those ideals. And so many of the people I knew we bottle feeders, spankers, ferberizers, it was scary. But my mom and my husband were in my corner, their support got me through the tough days, the days I wanted to scream, days I wanted to run away and join the circus. Without a support system, it can be tough! Parenting is hard in general, you second guess, you wonder if you're doing it right, but without support, it's hard to follow your heart.
     As for the new mamas who want to try the AP thing, follow your heart, let your tiny amazing human guide you, because it will be SO worth it. Just today, our older boys came home with report cards, earlier this week we'd had their parent teacher conferences. Not only did they get straight A's, but their teachers told us how kind they were, how willing to help others, how compassionate. It makes my heart swell. It makes me feel like I'm doing it RIGHT. Are they perfect? No. Am I? No. But they are given the best of me there is, and that is all I have to give. No mama will ever make all the right choices, so don't get caught up counting your wrongs. As with your kids, be kind to yourself, forgive, promote confidence, and be kind. And never compare yourself to other mamas! Decide what your dealbreakers are and don't get wound up in all the rest. And remember that perfection is not an option, so be prepared for tweaks to your gameplan! So do your best and gentle parent on!

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Just stop it!!!

     So I was doing a little mindless Facebook time earlier. Some of the pages I subscribe to aren't gentle or AP pages, they're more generic parenting. Sometimes I have to call myself down from being judgy or commenting from a snotty place. I am admittedly opinionated, and I have become very set in my ways, and well, I'm a massive micromanager. But I have to remember, these people aren't perfect, an I'm not even close. Do I think I'm a better parent than I was 8 years ago? You bet. But perfect? Haaaahahaha. ha. haaa. I remember having all these parental ideals before our first son was born. I would never bribe a kid to do anything. Unnnnntil Ethan started potty training. M & M's, yeah, I did that. That was the first of many, the bottom line is, things change, and I can't feel bad about the changes. I have to embrace them and use everything as a learning experience. I realized the other day that in addition to being a lactivist, I've becoming quite an intactivist. Over the last year I have read and learned so much about how needless it is to circumcise. It's basically just the culture in the US, rather than a need based procedure. That being said, want to know why that is odd? I have 3 circumsized sons. Yep, all 3 of them. I wish I had know more back then. And though it sucks, I can't change it! Not a thing in the world I can do but learn from it. At first I was angry with myself. And then I was embarassed when other intactivists would ask. But the heart of the matter is that, as parents, there are a million things we would go back and change. Things we would tweak, things that make us wonder if we had gone temporarily insane. Want to know how many times I've looked back and thought "What the hell????". Well, how much time do you have, because it's this is going to take awhile and I won't bore you with it. What I'm saying is this, I am human. I have made bad parenting choices and I am going to make more! But I am not defined by my past choices. Did you formula feed before but want to go breast next time? Were you a prior spanker and now you want to go the AP route? Hold your head high and do what you think is best. It doesn't matter what you did before, it doesn't define you. Do what you think is right for TODAY and follow your heart! When you start beating yourself up over what you used to do, well, just stop it! You can't change yesterday, but you sure can fix tomorrow.  I have to say, the more I have tweaked my parenting by following my heart, the more my sons have flourished. Help your little ones flourish!

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Was that a real question?

     "So you don't bust your kids, and they don't have, like, rules and stuff?" Ummm, no I don't, and actually, yes, they do. This happens more often than I'd like to admit. Different wording, same question. For some people the fact that we don't spank and the words attachment parenting create an image that I only wear burkinstocks, don't shave my armpits, and my husband has a waist length braid. The facts are, I don't own any birks (anymore), though I am occasionally lazy about shaving my legs, I am almost always tank top acceptable. And the braid thing, here's the shocker, my husband is a U.S. Marine, so he rocks a high & tight. And no, we don't spank, but yes, our kids have rules. The biggest question that follows is why, why don't you spank? I love this question. It doesn't offend me, I actually like being able to explain it! Here's how it shakes out.

     For starters, we don't spank because our kids are humans too. If I hit my husband every time he forgot to take out the garbage or got sassy with me, well, I'd be in prison. If that's not how we handle each other that's not how we handle the kids. Another thing is that I just never understood the logistics. I read once that to spank "properly", you should not hit out of anger, but when you're calm. Well, I don't hit them when I'm mad, because I think that hitting out of anger in any form is abuse. And I could never go and calmly hit a child, so that pretty much removes any form of hitting from our discipline repertoire. 

So what DO we do? Well, I am a huge fan of proactive parenting. We were having a hard time with my very spirited middle man, Evan, in the mornings. Yikes. He wakes up like his father. There were mornings we were both near tears when we left for school. I got tired of it fast, he did too, something wasn't working right. And I realized it, the boy doesn't need a nag, he needs incentive! Why do regular people get up and go to work? Because they get paid! And no, I don't pay the boy! But I do provide incentive, 1 sticker for getting up and dressed without complaint/pleading/whining. 10 stickers = a prize from the bucket. All prizes are little items from the dollar section, football cards, etc. It doesn't matter what the prizes are, it's the fact that he can SEE his progress, the stickers are tangible tokens of him doing the right thing. If you think about it, it is actually preparing them for adulthood. Adults work to get paid, we go to school to get a degree, there is a payoff, so why then, do we call it bribery when we apply the same rules to our kids?  Does our method always work? NOPE. Like anything else, it's not foolproof. Sometimes we have to take away screen time. Sometimes the older boys need to be separated and aren't allowed to play together because they can't get along. They aren't perfect, and neither are we!!!  But there is no place for physical punishments here. I want my children to respect me, not because they have been bullied into doing so. We don't want to raise bullies, I want to raise kids who reciprocate respect.

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Wait? Kids are humans too??

So I'm that mom that doesn't go through the drop off line at school, rain or shine, I park the mamamobile, put baby brother in a sling and walk big brothers into school and see their sweet little faces at their desks. I am a micromanager deluxe. I have three sons, I have to be. This morning on way in, I saw a little girl, I'd seen her before, she was in the midst of a full on, five alarm I don't wanna go to school fit, I saw these fits from her a few times a week. I walked the boys in and on my way out, she had actually taken up residence sitting indignantly on the sidewalk. My heart tugged, crap, when this happens, the hippie gets involved. I walked up in time to here the mother say to someone on the phone (no clue who she's gabbing with at 7:40am) "yeah, I'll be over in a bit, Sally is showing her butt like always at the school". Yep, it happened again, I have moments where I mentally pummel people, like cagefigher style, this was one of them. Another win for my inner zen, whew! I gave the mother the 'can I try' gesture, she gave a nonchalant shrug. So I sat down. Right on the sidewalk, toddler on my hip. I said "hey, I heard your mommy say you had Ms. Wells, I have never met her, but I'd LOVE to, want to ask your mommy if it would be okay if you took me to meet her?" She looked at her mother, who was still on the phone, and still verbally running the kid down for not wanting to go to school. Mom said yes. And we walked, small talk, no meltdowns, no incidents. She wanted somebody to WANT to take her to class. The whole thing only lasted 5 minutes, but what a lesson. For starters, they just want our time! Further, they just wanted to be treated like HUMANS. Mom was trying to embarass her into going to class. Think about this, hubs doesn't take out the trash, do you step into the road, dragging husband by the ear and shout to the neighbor "yeah, I'd come over, but I have to take the trash out, this jackhole is showing his butt and not taking out the trash!" Give me a break. Is that how we treat our friends when they annoy us? Nope. Let's try to remember to treat them like the little humans that they are. We aren't perfect, I know I am FAR from it. But to quote my dad, "I do the best I can, with what I have at the time." So just do your best and remember that next time they annoy the crap out of you, they likely just want your attention.


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Mama, I'm a boy!

So I am an admitted hippie of sorts, I like positive parenting, hugs, recycling, and natural remedies. Okay, I also love hot water, my dishwasher, and my smartphone.  So I suppose I'm a modern hippie, but you get my drift. Referring to the natural remedies, I'm loving the amber teething necklace I got for baby hippie, who is battling molars like a champ. As usual, I walk the big hippie brothers into school, baby is wearing his neckace, and of all people, the school nurse says "c'mon mama, I'm a boy and you've got a necklace on me". Ummm. Wow. My inner Zen almost evaporated in exchange for a throat punching maniac moment. Hippie brain prevailed. Whew! It was a small minded and simple statement, why did my inner loon try to make a break for the surface? But after the initial veil of red, I figured out why it annoyed me so badly. This type of forced conformity is everywhere. Boys don't wear pink. Girls don't play with trucks. Boys play football. Girls go to dance. Stop the madness! We need to raise our kids in a way that empowers them and honors them, a way that accentuates their passions. We have to stop putting them in a box, offer the sweet little girls a truck to drive and let the boys nurture a dolly. Won't daughters drive someday, and won't our sons become daddies? Take your sweet littles for who they are, don't put them in a box!!



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AP's are perfect?

The cutest thing happened the other day, a sweet dear friend of mine called the other day, at her wits end. "I know that you are super into gentle parenting, these kids are making me crazy, pleeeease tell me how you keep from losing your temper and yelling at them????" WHOA. Wait just one second. Yes, we try to be very gentle parents. Yes, we try not to yell. Do we always succeed? Hahahaha!!! I am a nursing school, 1.5 semesters away from graduation. My husband is a United States Marine, with a demanding career. We have THREE very spirited little boys. Can I just say with honesty that sometimes I want to say cuss words that haven't even been invented? Can I also say that sometimes I grab a snack from the pantry on the way to the shower and eat it in the bathroom just so I don't have to share? Can I also say that sometimes I love my "away from the kids time"? GASP!!! I am all things attachment parent, we cosleep, we babywear, we don't spank, we have a 15 month old who is still breastfeeding, and we still occasionally have the urge to run away and join the freaking circus. Gentle parents are not superhumans who never get angry and lose their tempers and yell. They are parents who make the effort not to react in certain ways and don't always succeed. So if you are new to AP, or you are a seasoned gentle parent and feel like you fail sometimes, it's allllll good. Your kids love you for your efforts and despite your imperfections. Plus, the circus is lame anyway.





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As the mother of three very active and spirited boys, I understand the concept of chaos. I understand the actual inability to hear yourself think. I understand never having a moment to yourself. That being said, I have learned that my life of organized chaos IS living my dream. The two oldest boys just started back to school, leaving the littlest man and I at home alone during the day while daddy is at work. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice to be able to take the occasional nap with him when I catch up on things, or to just spend a little one on one time with my youngest. That being said, I am SO discouraged at the number of times I have heard other mothers say "whew, so glad the kids are back in school!!" As mamas we all need a little break sometimes, we need to unwind, we need peace, we need sanity. But it just isn't in me to be GLAD that my guys are gone several hours every day. Maybe I am too attached, maybe I'm an attachment parent gone crazy, who knows? I am aware that I am a little different, every time something goes slightly wrong at school I am on the verge of homeschooling, literally, every time. But I as of now, I am glad that the boys are learning, socializing, learning to get along, share, befriend other kiddos, but I am not glad they are gone just for the sake of being out of my hair. As moms, we all have our complaints, we all have our moments we want to run away, or just want a margarita! But we also have to remember to cherish the moments with our little ones. We need to try to find a way to make even the biggest mess a good experience. They look up to us, they need us to mold them, and they TRUST us!

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